Letter to my son March 5, 2023

What a shock it has been for me to finally see you last Sunday, after almost 8 years.

I can’t believe how tall you became. It just makes me so sad to have lost all these years with you. When I left the restaurant, you were with your head down in your hands, my niece said she thought you were crying. I really hesitated to go back to you or not, but I thought it would have made things even worse. Not sure I made the right choice after all. I was always there in your tough moments, but it was 8 years ago and you were a child. Now you’re an adult…

I know it may take you some time to process what happened and what we talked about in such a short time. It may be difficult to start questioning everything you lived and heard in the past years, but I’m sure you’ll get there and reach to the right conclusions.

You know, there is always two versions of a story, and you only had one all these years.

I needed time too. The night after talking to you, I couldn’t sleep at all. I guess you may have had kind of the same issue too.

Two things shocked me the most in what you told me:

• The first is that you have no memories about your mom drinking. This has been the only reason behind our fights. I sincerely can’t remember us fighting before. Please keep in mind that to argue you need to be two, and it has to be a reason. I wonder what could be the reason you remember? I can assure you, there wasn’t any other one on my side.

But I hope you remember that a few months after your grandfather died, I flew to Monaco and brought back your grandmother to our house in LA. That’s when all started unfortunately. I didn’t say anything for quite a long time, knowing how difficult it had been for both, Mormor and your mom. I just continued taking care of you and was very happy to do it. But after months and months, it started to become too much and that’s when our fights started.

• The second has been what you told me: “I remember we had some fun playing tennis, but that’s pretty much the only good memories I have from you”. We spent ten years together and we did so much, most of the time only you and me. We had so much fun, Hawaii, Stockholm, Monaco, Rome…. Please Alex, look at the Photo Gallery, I have thousands more of you having fun, movies, CDs….. I’m sure you’ll remember when you see it.

Don’t you remember the tennis tournament you won in Palm Desert? You won 5 matches in a row. I was there cheering for you side-court, giving you tips. You were so happy and proud about the trophy when we came back home and you showed it to your mom.

What about Indian Wells, the great finale Federer/Djoko? I got the pictures of you cheering for Roger!!

You also played a tournament there, on the same courts, but you lost at the 3^rd round.

Do you remember Kris, your tennis coach at Mountaingate Country Club? He had you play with a young Svitolina at the time, who has become a top ten player now. You were so proud of it.

You told Kris and me that you wanted to become a tennis Pro! I answered you that anything you wanted to become would have been fine for me, for the moment you’ll be happy.

What about you and me going for adventures as you used to say, in Bel Air Crest, Palm Desert, Hualalai and Monaco on the chemin below the Country Club?

Do you remember when I taught you how to drive a golf cart, with the “Orange Lamborghini”? You wanted so much to drive yourself and … At only 9 years old you passed your driving test at Bighorn!! You were so proud when you drove me back home and told your mom.

Also, when I taught you how to ride a bicycle in the summer 2012 in Bel Air Crest?

The two of us competing in basketball or jump rope in our front yard?

What about our night under the stars in a tent at a Berkeley Hall school event on Mulholland? We had so much fun that weekend with all your friends…

And your Birthday at Lasertag in Sherman Oaks with all your friends?

Marco Sloane, your best friend’s birthday at the Go-Kart circuit in Encino? You got a little scared at the beginning but loved it at the end and had so much fun.

What about Chad Mac Queen and his orange Porsche in Bighorn?

What about going fishing on Papi’s boat in Monaco? Papi was so happy to spend time with you and you enjoyed it so much too.

And Hawaii… we used to spend so much time there. So many memories, you and me, in Hualalai, looking for turtles, driving around with the golf carts, just fooling around on the beaches, or with the dolphins at the Mauna Kea resort. And your swimming lessons with Rita… and her tattoos!! You got plenty of them!

And the golf…. We had so much fun in Bighorn all year long, doing both courses. The Bighorn bugs you used to win with your coach Bill? You were so proud of it when you came back home and showed it to your mom. We started playing golf as the same time you and me, and you became soon better than me!

I really hope you’re still playing!

These are only a few examples of all the things we did together. We did so much more and had so much fun, you and me. Please look at the pictures and I’m sure memories will come back. I read that most memories from your young years are related to what you have been told and to the pictures you have from it, so please look at the pictures. I just uploaded more of them for you.

A few other things made me reflect but are more related to your mom interruptions, in her many attempts to cut our conversation. We may speak about it later on, when and if you feel it.

• She spoke about the death of my ex father in law in Italy, which happened only a few days before. How was she aware of it? He wasn’t a celebrity, nothing that will appear on newspapers. Reflecting on it, this could explain why she has always been one step ahead of me all these years…
• When we talked about me being your legal father, I told you that my lawyer in LA fucked up, and she proudly interrupted saying “sure, I paid him”! She admitted without hesitation, in front of you, to have paid my lawyer!! I’ve been very suspicious from the beginning, when he totally changed his mind about how to approach my defense after talking to your mom’s lawyer, (the ugly old witch as you called her). But what could I have done? Two different lawyers I met after, when your mom wasn’t abiding with the divorce agreement, told me the same words: ”How could your lawyer have you signed such a bad agreement?”, but it was too late unfortunately.

At the end, I could finally reconnect with you after all these years, and this is the most important. As I told you, and I want to insist on it, I’m not asking you to make a choice between your mom and me, but only to slowly come back to be part of your life again, as I was for your first ten years. More accurately, I wasn’t only part of it, I was with you all the time. I hope you’ll remember it.

Children should never have to choose between parents but take vantage and enjoy the best part of both. I sincerely hope that you’ll contact me soon, please do it, when you’ll think it’s the right time. I’ll always be here for you. Let’s schedule a meeting you and me, just for a few hours, and after it, it will be up to you and I’ll respect your choice.

I’m not asking for anything difficult or unreasonable, so please Alexander, let’s do it.

Your dad who loves you and never stopped to look for you.

Patrick